What Makes Relationships Work?

Building a house? You'd never forget the foundation, right? The same goes for relationships. A strong foundation is what keeps things steady, even when life gets windy. Dr. John Gottman, an expert in relationship dynamics, nailed it down to seven principles.

These aren't just any guidelines; they're backed by decades of research and real-world observation.

So, if you're aiming for a relationship that can weather any storm, you're in the right spot. Let's dive into these foundational truths, shall we?

Why's This Framework a Game-Changer?

Relationships are complex, and it can be challenging to know how to build a healthy and happy partnership.
**Having a research-based framework like Gottman's Seven Principles can be incredibly helpful for several reasons:**

It Provides a Clear Road Map
Let’s get rid of some of the guesswork, there’s already enough uncertainty in life! These seven principles give couples a clear roadmap to follow, making it easier to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship.
It’s Based on Research
We’re not just throwing spaghetti at the wall here folks. The principles are grounded in decades of research on what makes relationships successful, giving couples confidence that they're following strategies that have been shown to work.
It's Accesible
This framework is totally workable. The principles are presented in a straightforward, accessible way, making them easy for couples to understand and apply.

The 7 Principles for a Solid Relationship

1.) Build Love Maps

The foundation of your relationship is rooted in your friendship with one another. Take the time to understand your partner's inner world - their thoughts, feelings, and experiences. This involves asking open-ended questions, actively listening to their responses, and showing genuine interest in their life.

Ask your partner about their dreams, fears, and hopes
Show interest in their daily experiences
Make time for regular conversations

Image of couple chatting illustrating blog post by Ellie Miller, LCSW-C, couples therapist in baltimore

2.) Nurture Fondness and Admiration

It’s easy to get caught up in complacency and resentment. This principle is the antidote to that. Focus on the positive aspects of your partner, rather than the negative. Take time to express your appreciation for your partner's strengths, qualities, and accomplishments.

Compliment your partner often
Share specific things you admire about them
Write them a love letter or note

3.) Turn Towards Each Other

During times of stress or conflict, turn towards your partner for support and connection, rather than turning away. This means being responsive to your partner's needs, even when you're feeling overwhelmed or preoccupied.

Practice active listening
Show empathy and understanding
Offer emotional support and comfort

4.) Accept Influence

Be open to your partner's opinions, ideas, and feedback, and work together to make decisions that benefit both of you.
Listen to your partner's perspective
Be willing to compromise
Avoid being defensive

5.) Solve Solvable Problems Together

Work together to solve challenges and conflicts. This means listening to each other's perspectives, working to find common ground, and being willing to compromise when necessary.

Practice problem-solving skills
Identify common goals and values
Work on communication skills

6.) Overcoming Gridlock

Gridlock occurs when a couple's differences and disagreements become entrenched and seem impossible to resolve. In these situations, it's essential to find a way to move forward and reach a resolution that works for both partners. Here are some tips for overcoming gridlock:

Understand each other's underlying dreams and aspirations.
Identify the issues that are causing gridlock and find ways to compromise.
Practice active listening and validate each other's feelings and perspectives.
Take a break when needed to avoid becoming emotionally overwhelmed.

7.) Create Shared Meaning

Take the time to create shared rituals and traditions, as well as setting goals that are meaningful to both partners.

Create meaningful rituals, such as date nights or family traditions
Set goals together, such as financial or career goals
Share common interests and hobbies

Take Some Time To Reflect

Go ahead, scroll through the list once more. Are there certain categories that you feel confident about? Some that could use a little more attention and care?

The good news, is that if any of the principles are feeling off in your relationship, there are practical things you can do to adjust and strengthen. If you feel like you might need a little extra support, feel free to reach out and see if we’d be a good fit for couples therapy.